Ugh. This is one blog I would have lived happily had it not happened.
The boys and I stayed outside as long as we could, but the heat and humidity decided we should go cool off.
I had a plan: feed the boys, pick up their toys, and straighten up the house.
A simple, normal plan.
But the universe was like, “The hell you will, Danielle. The. Hell. You. Will.”
I fed the boys and quickly got distracted. Finally, hoping it had cooled off, we wandered back outside. It most definitely had not. Nonsense, honestly.
House cleaning then it was.
On the hunt for the vacuum, I saw something move out the corner of my eye. A tail. At first, I couldn’t process what I was seeing.
Damn rat tail.
“What the hell? No. Not in my house, buddy.”
I grabbed the machete (no, I will not explain). The pistol would be overkill… maybe?
I get to the door of the library and see the tail slowing moving behind the door.
Reality slaps me like I owe it money.
Pearl clutching.
A nightmare come true.
It was a fucking snake!
Snakes. I hate them more than anything. I know… Appalachia. Part of the lifestyle.
Not in my damn house it isn’t.
I realized I was going to have to kill it or remove it. Because this thing wasn’t going to pay rent or do any house work, so it had to go.
The bastard would be evicted.
I crept closer to the door and readied the machete. I saw the tail moving quicker behind the stack of the books toward the closet I forgot existed.
My God, why me?
I do not negotiate with terrorist. This enemy of the state was going on a permanent trip back to his forefathers.
I swung the closet door open and, without looking, violently brought the machete down.
I missed.
The tail slithered between two storage bins.
The junk closest.
No.
I stepped back and looked. The closet I had forgotten about was full of everything from years of a well-lived life.
“Oh, you’ve got to be freaking kidding me,” I said in utter shock.
I realized that in order to find Satan’s pool noodle, I was going to have to dig all that crap out of there.
In those few seconds, my courage and determination crumbled to dust.
I yelled for the only thing I could think of that hated snakes or anything that threatened his territory.
“MAJOOOOOR!!!!”
Like the sweet boy he is, he knew something was up. He came strutting in, looking at me like, “Yes, Mom. You summoned the protector?”
I patted him on the head. “Okay, Major. I know I get onto you about chasing rabbits and other woodland creatures. But we are at DEFCON 1. I need Killer Major.”
He wagged his tail and started sniffing around the closet, growling occasionally. He walked a few feet and laid down, staring at the closet. Then he rudely huffed at me, looking like he couldn’t do everything.
“Damn it, Major. I wish you had hands!” I said as I walked toward the door.
I was outmatched.
I needed reinforcements.
“Okay, Major. I am going to call the cousins. You stay here. If it comes out, kill it multiple times.”
We stared at each other.
A silent understanding had been made.
I shut the door with the machete in hand and grabbed my phone. I refused to put it down in case it got past Major. If it came back out, I told myself I could take care of it.
Girl’s gotta dream.
I texted one of my favorite cousins. Also a known hater of snakes. We come by it honestly.
Me: Hey.
Me: So… do you think you guys could come over in the morning and help me kill a snake? Lol.
A few moments later…
Cousin: WHAT?! A snake? Are you serious? And you want to wait until morning? How are you going to sleep tonight?
Me: I am not. Lol. It’s getting late. You guys might already be in bed.
Cousin: No, we’re at the ball game. Ugh. Do you want us to come over after the game?
Me: Yes, if you can.
Cousin: Okay. It’ll probably be an hour. Put Major in there. Maybe he’ll kill the damn thing.
Me: Lol. He’s already in there. And that’s fine, just as long as it gets taken care of tonight.
Cousin: Okay, I’m texting the other cousin now. He’ll come with us to get rid of it. Because I am not killing a snake. Ugh.
Me: Lol. I tried. I lost my courage.
Now we wait.
There is a gap under the door. Satan’s pool noodle could easily escape. The other two bedrooms are right beside it.
Just no.
Over my dead body.
I grabbed the ironing board. Machete in hand, I quickly shoved it against the door. I added the 25-pound dumbbells in front of it. Then grabbed the 2x4s I was going to use for the porch steps and placed them in front of the other bedroom doors with more dumbbells.
Extreme?
Really, it wasn’t enough in my opinion. I was working with what I had.
I grabbed the stool, parked myself in front of the doors with the machete, and waited.
Marlee decided to join me and promptly took a nap in front of the other two doors.
“Oh, nice of you to join us, asshole. Wait until I tell your favorite girl you couldn’t even be bothered to help your brother protect the castle.” He continued to nap.
If only…
I just wanted to scream and runaway. But I was determined to keep it locked in there until the cavalry showed up.
This was the first and only time I completely hated living alone.
The cousins text me.
Cousin: Has it come out yet?
Me: Nope, it’s still in there. I made sure it couldn’t get out without me noticing.
I sent her a picture of the impromptu Barries I created.
Cousin: Okay lol.
Me: This is the one time I wish I had a man around lol.
Cousin: Yeah. I wish you did too lol.
Cousin: Hey, is the neighbor home? Could they kill it?
Me: What? I don’t know. I haven’t met them yet.
Me: Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood. Can you fight Satan’s pool noodle for me?
Cousin: Well, I am just trying to help you, dang it lol.
Me: Lol I know.
Cousin: You got hairspray? I read somewhere hairspray kills snakes.
Me: No. All I got is bleach.
