How on God’s green one did we go from a snake to hairspray to bleach?
I wish I was making this up, but I assure this was exactly how it went.
Cousin: “I don’t know if bleach will work.”
Me: “You know me, and you know I don’t have hairspray. Lol”
Cousin: ” Good point. Lol.”
Major growled a couple of times. I set with the machete and watched the door.
Marlee continued to sleep.
“You are lucky your brother is a predator, or else your ass would be outside tonight.”
Marlee suddenly jumps up, ran to the living room, and did his someone’s here howl.
I heard my cousin laugh, then I heard the name Barry.
Of course Barry had to be involved.
I remained at my post.
The first thing I saw was the phone and the hairspray.
Cuz 1 popped through the door, and I instantly knew she was recording.
“Hey Danielle, Barry the welcome wagon was waiting on us,” she said laughing nervously.
Behind her, the real hero walked in carrying the modern-day version of the pitchforks and torches. A snake hook and a big walking stick.
Hairspray-carrying Cuz 1 was now in full-on Animal Planet mode.
“Okay, we just made it to Danielle’s,” she said, holding the phone out as she scanned the house.
“The guys are with me. I’ve got my trusty hairspray, and they’ve got the hook and the walking stick. Hey Danielle, so Major has a snake trapped in the library?”
I mean, I would have been recording too if it wasn’t my life.
“Yep.”
“Have you moved since you sent me the picture of Marlee?” she asked.
“Nope. The bastard isn’t going anywhere.”
Cuz 2 spotted the makeshift barrier and laughed.
“What was this going to do?”
Me: I don’t know. Slow it down so I could at least chop its head off.”
Cuz 3 just shook his head.
I removed the barricade. Major popped out looking relieved. I sent the boys to the bedroom. We do not need that chaos.
Cuz 2: “Okay, so where is it?”
I pointed to the closet.
His eyes got big.
“We’re going to have to dig that crap out to find it.”
Cuz 1 was videoing and narrating at the same time so the girls could witness this hilarious nightmare unfold.
Cuz 2 started cleaning out he closet.
Cuz 3 stood guard with the walking stick, waiting for it to jump out while trying not to laugh.
Cuz 1: “Okay, so we’re cleaning out the closet to see if we can find the snake. Remember, guys, I’ve got hairspray if he comes out.”
Cuz 3: “What is hairspray going to do? Give him a better style?”
Cuz 1 was undeterred. She kept videoing and narrating while I stood behind her, speechless.
Suddenly, something fell out of the closet.
Cuz 1 jumped and sprayed her can of hairspray.
A shoe.
A damn shoe.
It scared me too. Now I was choking on hairspray.
Cuz 2: “It is just a shoe.”
Unfazed, he kept digging.
Cuz 1: “Girls, I am telling you I read hairspray kills snakes.”
She said while talking into her phone.
Me: “Just take the machete and cut its damn head off. That seems cruel to spray it with hairspray!”
Me. The humanitarian, apparently.
Cuz 2 kept pulling crap out of the closet.
Then he pulled out my purse I had been hunting for.
“Oh my God! My purse! I wondered what he did with that. He said he couldn’t remember. Give that here.”
I grabbed the purse and took it to the living room.
At least that was one win.
Cuz 1: “Danielle found her damn purse. Hey, the snake isn’t in that, is it?”
Cuz 2: “No. The damn thing isn’t in there. I checked.
Meanwhile, the girls are chiming in on the escalating situation and what they would or would not do.
I believe some of the responses were, “Burn it with fire.”
Another was, “Just hell no. Leave,”
Another asked “Could it have gone somewhere else?”
My favorite was, “Hey, that isn’t good hairspray. Do you use that?”
Cuz 1 stopped mid-narration to explain why she liked the brand.
Cuz 3 hasn’t said much at this point. He was still standing there watching Cuz 2 clean out the closet.
Then he looked over at us and said, “Where the hell is Eddie? Doesn’t he usually eat these damn things?”
We bust out laughing.
The girls watching were cracking up on the live video by now.
Yes, we had gone live at some point because, well, why not?
Cuz 2 was still pulling stuff out of the closet when he asked for a flashlight.
He shined the light inside and spotted it.
He started trying to drag it out of the closet.
Cuz 2: “Damn, he disappeared.”
Cuz 1: “You better not have lost that damn thing!”
Then she randomly sprayed the hairspray.
Cuz 2 shined the light around, spotted it behind my desk, and he and Cuz 3 moved in.
Cuz 1: “Oh my God, it’s behind the desk! Here, use the hairspray to kill it.”
Me: “Just kill the damn thing. Here, take the machete!”
Cuz 1: “Don’t let it get away!”
Cuz 2: Very calmly, “We aren’t. He’s just putting up a good fight.”
Cuz 1 responded with more hairspray while continuing the live video.
At this point, I was recording my cousin recording the other two.
This went on for a few minutes, and Satan’s pool noodle was being exactly that. He wasn’t going down without a fight.
Out of frustration, Cuz 2 grabbed the hairspray and gave it a try. It kind of worked. Mainly because I think the thing was just shocked someone actually tried hairspray.
Cuz 3 dragged it out.
A few tense moments later, Satan’s pool noodle had been banished back to the pools of Hell.
Cuz 1: “Ha! The hairspray worked! They got it!”
The family was still going back and forth debating.
The library was a war zone.
Cuz 2 dragged it out with the hook and showed us.
Just sick.
Yep. It looked just like one of Satan’s pool noodles.
Cuz 3 chose that exact moment to poke Hairspray Cuz in the back of the leg and scare the crap out of her.
A blood-curdling scream followed by some choice cuss words didn’t faze him.
He just laughed and did it again.
Cuz 2: “Where do you want me to dump this thing?”
Me: “The field. The boys will eat it if you don’t.”
Cuz 2: “God, okay.”
Cuz 1: “Well, girls, mission accomplished. That’s it for tonight.”
I found my purse.
I’m calling it the win.
The village rallies when needed.
It had been a damn day. A day I wish to forget, but a day that made us all laugh when we needed it.
Of course, Barry was there to tell everyone goodbye when they left.
Thanks, Barry. You really know how to help.
I slept on the couch for a week while Major kept watch.
The village never disappoints!
