Books might be the death of me yet.
I just finished writing the week’s blog, so I planned to sit on the porch reading all evening.
The pups were up to their usual. Major was still on patrol for the larger squirrel that stole his treat earlier.
I was well into my book, minding my own business, when the motion light kicked on at the end the porch. I couldn’t exactly see what it was, just the moment. After a minute, I lost interest and headed inside for a sweatshirt.
A little while later, movement under the Adirondack chair caught my attention. I had seen a few little skinks running round the sidewalk, but that was bigger. Maybe it was a wrong.
Marlee ran up to the chair, bend down, sniffed, trotted off. Major was still hunting down the squirrel. Never gonna find him, but who am I to crush a dream.
The motion light kicked on, then off. Weird. It usually takes more than a few bugs to set it off. Maybe it was the ghost I’m told that roams around the neighborhood. No matter.
The next one kicked on, then off.
I waited for the next light to come on. Nothing.
Okay. Maybe the ghost rumors are true.
The light closest to me kicks on. There, in the shadow of it, is the biggest bullfrog staring at me. Like, “Who the hell are you?” Funny, I was thinking the same thing.
“Where the hell did you come from?”
It doesn’t blink or even move. He just sits quietly judging.
“Okay, I’ll tell you what, fat f’er Barrry. You don’t judge me and I won’t judge you. Okay?
Later I feel something on my Croc. Marlee runs across the porch, kicking the motion light on.
Jesus, why is Barry sitting on top of my Croc?
“Oh hell no!” We run in the house I realize as soon as we’re inside I’ve left my Croc on the porch, and Barry is still sitting on top of it.
“You bastard. Keep the Croc.”
Gross.
The following night I was finishing working on my book. I took all my stuff inside grabbed my book and light. Major was still looking for the squirrel. Marlee was smirking at him.
One of the motion lights kick on. There was Barry. He looked pissed.
Seriously?
“Barry, don’t even start with me tonight.”
Barry just starred at me like I was the problem.
“You stay in your lane and I’ll stay in mine. Okay?”
I am the problem, clearly.
I go into the house to grab something and come back out. He’s gone.
Good.
We stay out for a while. I yell for the pups. I head toward the door. There is Barry sitting on the doorstep like he is waiting to be let in.
“Oh hell no, you got to be freaking kidding me. Barry, move on. You are not taking up residence in the house.”
Barry just sits there looking at the door. Marlee and Major run up on the porch. Thank God Major will move him.
Nope. Major just runs over to me for a head scratch. Marlee walks to the door beside the frog. I need something to move him. Can’t find a broom, large cup, or wheelbarrow.
“Damn me for keeping the porch clean. Major, move the frog.”
Major just looks at me wags his tail. Damn dog.
Okay, wait him out. I go to grab my phone to doom scroll and realize I left it in the house. Great. Guess I’ll finish this book after all. I look over every so often, and Barry is still there.
Lovely.
“Guess we are sleeping on the porch by force tonight, boys.” Neither dog seems to care since both are fast asleep at my feet.
I dozed off at some point and dropped by book. It startled me awake, and I jumped up. Barry was gone! I didn’t look around to see where he went. We just hurried inside.
The next morning, I drag an old broom out to the porch. A few nights later, we were back on the porch. This time I thought I was ready for Barry.
We had been out there for a calm hour. Then the motion light kicked on across from me, and out hopped Barry. The pups could not have cared less. Spoiled ass house wolves.
“Barry, we did this a couple nights ago. I am not doing it again to night. I will get the broom and slap shot you off this porch. So help me God.”
Barry accepted the challenge as a joke and hops right toward me. Then he quickly hops again, coming straight at me.
“What the hell!”
I grab the broom.
“Barry does, in fact, not go away. He hops at me again.
I scream and flick him with the broom, but it only rolls him onto his back. He just lays there, stunned I had the audacity to do that. Great. Now he’s stuck.
“Damn it, Barry, look what happened.”
I scream again and gently roll him over with the broom. He just sits there looking off in the distance. I nudge him again.
“Bro, you got to go. Just hop along to the neighbor’s house. She might like you.”
I will not be bullied off my porch by a damn bullfrog. I continue to gently, but forcefully, push him toward the end of the porch. He doesn’t resist. He accepted his fate. Finally, he hops off the porch.
Now Major decides he is interested in Barry.
“Major, I swear if you touch that damn frog, you will not be sleeping here tonight.”
Major huffs and comes back on the porch.
I am happy to report that Barry has made his way to the neighbor’s and scared them a few times.
Apparently the wildlife had a neighborhood meeting while I was gone and decided my porch was community property.
Once again… welcome to the House of Bad Decisions.
